How to turn off the lights in 2023

Open up your iPad. When you click on the icon for your light vendor’s application, iOS gives its own pop up. Please update the OS to continue.

Thirty minutes later, your iPad reboots. You attempt to launch the light vendor’s control application, but you are greeted with an alert that the software is not compatible with this version of the iPad OS.

You go to the app store, but you have to login. The app store will only send a notification to your other Apple device, which is turned off.

You power on your old Mac mini. Please update the OS to continue. You must login to the App store for this. It sends a login confirmation alert to your iPad, but the reverse will not work until you update the OS on the Mac mini.

Three hours later, you have updated the OS and can now login to the App store on your iPad by clicking on a confirmation on your Mac mini to update the application to turn off your lights. You update the light vendor’s control application.

After the update, you launch the light vendor’s control application and now have to agree that not only do they get to shoot your dog whenever they want, which is fine, you don’t own a dog, but that any dog you buy must come from an approved source. Kind of weird, but you just want to turn off the lights. You click AGREE because it’s now 3am and you just want to get a couple of hours of sleep.

You must upgrade the firmware on the lighting control bridge to continue. Do not power off the lighting control bridge or it will be bricked. There is a thunderstorm brewing outside.

Though the power did blink during the 30 minute firmware upgrade process, it seems to have gone off without a hitch. The storm is worse. Also, you still can’t control your lights. Maybe it bricked things afterall? You find a forum post from six months ago that explains the problem. The background service on the iPad that speaks to the lighting controller got wedged during the update and you must reboot your iPad. On reboot, you restart the lighting vendor’s control software. You must update the firmware on your lightbulbs to continue. Also, you don’t have a choice. The process has already started. Do not turn off your lights, your bridge, your ipad, your wifi access point, or your broadband router during this process or your lights will be bricked.

The thunderstorm is in full force. The power goes out. Your lightbulbs are fully bricked and will no longer work. Due to their extremely low power consumption and massive capacitors, however, the lights continue shining for the next three hours.

6am rolls around, and the capacitors have fully discharged. The lights are finally off.